How To Start A Men's Group

Ever idea of joining (or being in) a weekly men's group? Do yous hear the concept of men's groups popping up more and more in the cultural lexicon and you're curious as to what they're all about?

Over the last 4 years I take been a member of a weekly men's group. I accept mentioned this in a few articles through the years, and I've been getting more and more questions about it lately. So I'yard going to address all of these frequently asked questions regarding men'due south groups in this deep dive article.

What Is A Men's Group?

A men's group is when a group of men meet regularly in order to improve themselves as individuals.

It is non a spiritual group, though spiritual things certainly tin take identify. It is non a therapy group, fifty-fifty though therapeutic benefits do occur for all who attend. Information technology is non a self-help group, even though selves do get helped.

It is simply a regularly held group container wherein men are able to heal parts of their psyche, and become sharper, wiser, and more well rounded every bit people.

What Is The Point Of Beingness In A Men's Group?

One of the most mutual questions that I go asked when people outside of my men's group community hear what we do, they simply ask, 'Why?', (which is so rapidly followed past, 'What do you do?').

Every man comes into a men's group with a different primary intention.

Some men come up looking for support considering they are in a crude patch in their lives and desire to feel seen and supported by others. Some men come up to a men's grouping because they know that they have an unhealed begetter wound (say, from an absent father in their childhood) and they want to heal this wound past engaging with other healthy men in real time. Other men come in to a men'south group because they are tired of lonely wolf'ing their lives and desire to engage with community/friendship in a deeper way.

While every human comes in with a varying gear up of intentions, the healing benefits of being in a regular men's group are quite predictable and consistent.

Many men feel healing in their relationship to their fathers, in their relationship to men in full general, and in their human relationship to themselves. It'due south also common for men to go lit up and inspired about their lives, taking on greater aspirations or finally making an overdo conclusion (ex. leaving an abusive human relationship or changing career paths).

What I Have Personally Gotten Out Of Existence In A Men's Group For The Last Iv Years

While I experienced all of the aforementioned benefits (increased fire and drive in my life, trusting men more, etc.), the biggest benefit that I personally gleaned from my experience in a men'southward group was something that I never expected.

In short, I realized but how remarkably un-special I was.

I showtime joined my men'due south group with a huge ego. I was a fresh-faced 28 year old, with a chip on his shoulder because I was a young, brilliant and successful person.

"Oh, you haven't heard of me? I'1000 a 5 time best selling writer. My blog gets a million readers a month. No big deal."

While I was never that directly arrogant, my energy/vibe wasn't far off from that.

When I first joined my men's group, I had a truckload of judgments for the majority of the men who sabbatum in circle with me (because I simply thought I was "better than" them… which is a surefire sign that ego is steering the ship).

My inner dialogue rambled on, "I'll never larn anything from that guy. What an ineffective loser. All he does is fume weed and bowwow about his life. How lazy."

Yous can imagine how much of a treat I was to be around.

And still, over the course of the first year, my judgments all softened equally I realized how much of a genius every single person was, in their ain way. Everyone had something valuable to offer. Anybody had unique life feel that I could learn from. And anybody had their own unique perspective that brought something to the group.

In essence, we were a hive mind. Like a super computer that is greater than the sum of its individual parts.

No thing who was struggling in any particular calendar week, one of the 15-20 men would have something valuable to share with his brother. Together, we were strong, wise, and dynamic.

Any fourth dimension my mind tried to cast someone out as a less-than-desirable men'southward grouping fellow member to be around or engage with, that aforementioned person would say something that would be straight up gold, and would drop everyone's jaws to the flooring.

Over and over, my ego was humbled. In small ways (past hearing people'south contributions and struggles), and in larger ways (like when other members would call out my arrogance/aloofness direct).

Being in a men'southward group has been the single greatest force multiplier in my life in terms of helping me integrate some of my darkest, and virtually persistent (read: stubborn) shadow elements.

How To Get Into A Men'south Group

If you're looking to exist in a men's grouping, you have ii options.

1) Observe an existing men'south group and join it, or two) start your own.

Now, the men's group community that I'm a part of (called the Samurai Brotherhood) doesn't currently have a huge international presence, and I can only speak to the efficacy of their methods and overall philosophy since that's the only men'south group I've ever been a part of. I accept heard skillful things about other men'south group organizations (like Flesh Project, and Sterling Relationship Plant), and they have a larger international presence. But if there isn't an existing men'south grouping in your metropolis/community, and then you may have to start your own.

How To Start Your Ain Men's Group

If where you live doesn't accept a pre-existing men'due south group community that y'all feel aligned with, then your best bet is to simply showtime your own.

Starting your ain men'southward group tin be as uncomplicated as calling upwardly 3 of your closest friends and saying, 'Hey, allow's run across upward once a week for the side by side few months at the same time every week and come across what happens.'

Starting a men's grouping does non need to be complicated. All it requires is you extending to a few men, and and then being consistent with your efforts.

Past that, if you want to be a bit more thorough (and also include some men in your grouping who aren't in your immediate social circle), at that place are other ways of getting your men's group upwards and running successfully.

Call back almost your ideal case scenario almost what yous want to have happen. Do you want your men's group to exist business focused? More personal? Practice you want the same 'kind' of man in your group, or practise you want it to exist a varied mix? Do you want your men's grouping ti be intergenerational or should all of the members be within a certain historic period range?

Map out your best instance scenario, and then contrary engineer your desires from there.

The next all-time thing you can practice, later deciding what information technology is that you're after, is printing off a few flyers and posting them where your ideal men's group 'candidates' likely spend their fourth dimension.

Post your flyers on customs centre bulletin boards. Or in barber shops. Or in private clubs, recreational centres, or gyms. Again, wherever your platonic men's grouping members spend their fourth dimension, that's where yous should exist placing/posting/plastering your flyers.

You don't want to plow yourself into homo spam and cover the city with them. Be strategic. Only post your marketing materials where information technology makes sense. Besides, y'all never know if you'll have a huge rush of involvement from your flyers and be inundated with emails/phone calls (make sure you communicate clearly how y'all want people to reach out to you lot), so post them 1 small batch at a time until you get the number of members you're after.

Who Should Be In Your Men's Group?

Again, the answer to this will come down to personal preference.

In my experience, having a group that has a varied array of ages, orientations, and backgrounds volition always do best for all members involved.

Sure, there will still be value for y'all if your men's grouping exclusively has web developers in their early 30'southward who live in the Bay Expanse… but y'all will grow more from having a more varied grouping of characters.

In general, groups that have approximately viii-15 members are best. Fewer than 6 can be a bit too much of an echo sleeping room, with a lack of diversity, and in a grouping larger than 15, it's easier for the aforementioned people to fade into the background and not show up as much. Group sizes of 8-15 is the perfect cantankerous-section of 'enough variety and vastness of feel' with 'pocket-sized enough that in that location tin can even so be intimacy and deep agreement between group members'.

If you can find a way to get some members in their 20's, xxx's, xl'south, 50's, and 60'due south, with a vast array of skills, careers, and backgrounds in one group, so yous've got a recipe for a strong men's group.

What Are The Essential Elements Of A Men'southward Group?

Men'due south group vary widely in how they are run. There is no singular formula for how all men'south group should function. But there are some core themes that I believe all men's groups thrive under.

Those elements are: Commitment, Burn down, Confidentiality, Backbone, and Truth.

Commitment: it is imperative that the members of the men's grouping are committed. Devoted to the group, and to each other. Without a solid commitment of people proverb, 'Yes, I will nourish all meetings, ready and willing to challenge and be challenged', the group will flounder.

Fire: a men's group isn't just a back up group where men gather together and discuss their feelings. Feelings should exist discussed, absolutely. But a men'southward group is more that. A men'south grouping has fire. If the men in the grouping aren't willing to challenge each other, concord each other answerable, and encourage action and momentum in each other'due south lives (as opposed to countless, circular emotional processing that doesn't go anywhere), then the grouping volition struggle.

Confidentiality: private matters (regarding relationships, career, sex lives, and emotional realities) get discussed in a men'southward group. Therefore, confidentiality is a necessary element. Members are allowed to talk virtually their own procedure outside of group (to friends, their partners/spouses, etc.), of course, but they should avoid talking nearly anyone else'southward process, and specially mentioning the names of other members when referring to any happenings within the group. This bespeak matters even more than when the men's grouping is on the smaller side (four-eight men) and people could infer who y'all're talking about. Again, best to not talk almost anyone'southward process outside of the group, and fifty-fifty speak of your own process sparingly. The magic happens in the group. Best to get out it that style.

Courage: it takes courage to actually bear witness up and be seen in a men'south group. Courage to let your inner world exist known to other men. Courage to challenge men both older and younger than yous. Similar to the element of burn (and overlapping with the concept of vulnerability), courage requires that men both be willing to permit themselves be seen fully, and be willing to see/honour/challenge other men in the circle fully, when appropriate.

Truth: a men's grouping is zip without an overarching willingness to exist truthful. To speak directly. To be transparent, and total. Don't mince your words. When giving feedback to the other men in the circumvolve, say what you need to say, and no more. Don't agree back or vanquish around the bush-league. Be 100% honest with the men. Holding dorsum doesn't serve the recipient, nor does it serve the speaker.

When these five elements are combined, magic happens.

Men feel condom to open up. They feel held and supported. And they go that much more willing to walk into the most closely held parts of their minds with each other.

How Often Should Your Men's Group Meet?

I have been in men's groups that take met quarterly, bi-weekly, and weekly. In my feel, a men'south group needs to encounter weekly to truly gain momentum and be effective.

A gap of whatsoever longer than once per week and it's like shooting fish in a barrel to take the group less seriously… to falter in your accountability goals… or to mostly feel less connected to the men in your group.

Ideally, meetings happen weekly, and every member aims for an attendance tape of at least 90% (only missing occasional meetings for extraordinary work commitments, family emergencies, or meaning health issues/sickness).

What Should The Format Of Your Meetings Be?

Every men'southward group needs to find its own rhythm. But here are a few guidelines and suggestions that I have found to be effective for a general structure of how to run your men's group.

How to commencement your meeting

In that location are endless ways that y'all could start your coming together. Hither are a few options that y'all can use or pull inspiration from.

– Give every homo ane minute to share most their calendar week/their life since the previous coming together. This ensures that every man's vocalization is heard every meeting, and that men get to do speaking with brevity.

– Start with a practice that grounds the men into their bodies. Considering many men need something to transition themselves out of their work days and into the room, doing something physical (push ups, squats, light wrestling, etc.) or with their breath (ten conscious, deep breaths, 1-3 rounds of the Wim Hof method animate technique, etc.) gets men to exist more nowadays.

– If you had all set weekly accountability goals the previous week, then briefly going over the completion (or non-completion) of your goals is another manner to offset the meeting.

The meat of the meeting: open sharing.

Considering the principal value of men's groups lies in the fact that men are simply gathering and being with each other, the bulk of men's grouping meetings can only be a process of open sharing.

Whatsoever human who feels a need to share something that's going on his life is costless to do so, and so the other men can give feedback to that man.

Maybe he wants to share something about his relationship that has been troubling him. Or he wants to get feedback on a business/career cake he's been struggling with. Or he wants to admit a dark thought that has been swirling around in his psyche that he simply wants to exist witnessed.

So, if he is open to it/looking for information technology, the others requite him feedback. They are free to speak truthfully, directly, and totally. They may challenge him, hold with him, or permit him know that he is not solitary.

In a three hour men's group coming together, it is non at all unheard of for anywhere from twoscore-100% of the coming together to be focused around the procedure of open sharing.

One other thing to note is that all men should be aware of the fourth dimension in the grouping, and not have their open shares drone on for an unnecessarily long length of time, so every bit to not steal away time from other men who may want the energy of the group.

Exercises:

Once more, each men'southward group needs to find it's ain rhythm with the style of exercises that it engages in (if it chooses to engage in structured exercises other than open up sharing at all).

Here are a handful of men's group exercises that I have found benign through the years.

– Hot seats

A hot seat is when i man sits in the hot seat, and everyone else faces him, theatre-seating mode. If there's a specific area of his life he is looking to be grilled on, so you lot grill him. At that place's an implicit agreement in a hot seat that the members of the group who are giving you feedback volition bring even more burn down and challenging energy than normal. If the hot seat participant isn't looking for feedback on whatsoever 1 item result, then the group may bring him fire about what they know almost him in general through having been in the grouping with him for a while. For this reason, hot seat sessions are generally best carried out once men take already been in a men's group together for at least iii-6 months.

– Father shares

Each man gets anywhere from ten-30 minutes to share about his relationship with his father. Who his father was to him. How his childhood was with him. What his father did. How he perceived/perceives his father. His relationship to his begetter today, etc.

Since all of our relationships to men tend to bound forth from our relationship with our male parent (our original masculine archetype), this process is a juicy one and tends to bring up a lot for the man sharing.

– Mother shares

Aforementioned as higher up, only shares are in relation to each fellow member'due south female parent.

– Life story sessions

A life story session is when one man is allotted a specific amount of time (30 minutes, an hour, a whole men's grouping session, etc.) to skip a stone over his entire life. He recaps it from birth, to present solar day. Plainly, for the sake of time, virtually details will be left out, just it is e'er informative to see (for the speaker and the listeners) what details the speaker decides to include.

This is good mode to give one man a lot of free energy at a time, and for the men to come to know each other in a deeper way. This do tin can happen inside the first three months of a men'south group to encourage agreement of each other, or it can happen several years into a group's existence to facilitate deeper bonding between men who already believe they know each other quite well.

– Mastermind sessions

Mastermind sessions are somewhat of a cross between open sharing and hot seats, but with a twist.

Most ordinarily, a mastermind session is when each man gets an allotted amount of fourth dimension (viii minutes, ten minutes, 15 minutes, etc.) to inquire the group a direction question, and so become feedback on that block. And these sessions are near unremarkably about a common theme.

For instance, the theme for all men one meeting might exist 'What do you need help with in your business life?'. Or 'What relationship needs the most endeavour in your life currently?'

Again, calibration is male monarch. Option the theme that is most relevant for your men's group on any particular evening, and let 'er rip.

– Weekly or quarterly accountability goals

One of the core benefits of being in a men'due south group is that each member should exist progressing in his life, because of his involvement with the group.

Gaining insights nigh yourself and your life from the grouping are valuable, simply ultimately useless if those insights aren't matched with action.

Weekly and/or quarterly accountability goals are a potent fashion to ensure that each man is pushing his life forward outside of coming together hours.

Encourage each men to discover and verbally acknowledge what matters almost to him in his life, and what he wants to make progress on. Then, take him set a goal that he claims to the group as a class of accountability. Each week, check dorsum in on each man'due south goal. If one man/some men are consistently declining at hitting their goals, then either hot seat them to bring them some fire, or give them less energy until they shape up and start honouring their words that they committed to.

– Secrets share

A secrets share process is 1 that moves/alleviates a lot of shame for men.

The men in your grouping sit in a circle, and one past 1, you make full in the judgement, "Something I wouldn't want you to know nearly me is…"

Men often share almost nighttime thoughts they accept near their power… their intimate relationships… their sexual fantasies or habits. Whatever needs to come out, comes out.

The signal of a secrets share process is to a) externalize repressed or shameful thoughts so they don't have to have equally much power over the person who was holding on to them, and b) for each man to hear himself in other people's shares, and realize that his mind isn't so dark or twisted after all. That, in fact, we all conduct shame around very similar things, and we don't have to consider ourselves especially dark, messed up, or deviant, for having the thoughts that we practice.

– Anger piece of work

Since acrimony is such an oft-repressed emotion society-wide (for men and women), releasing anger can be a potent practice in a men's grouping. For some members more than others.

Ane way you tin can do this is have two men stand a few feet apart from each other, facing each other directly, and scream 'Fuck you!' into each other'southward faces v-ten times. It might sound silly on newspaper, but in practice it is powerful and it moves a lot of stuck energy for guys. Obviously, simply do this when environmental factors allow (aka don't piss off your neighbours if your men's group is beingness held in a residential surface area).

– I believe in y'all as a man because/I do not believe in you every bit a man because

This is an ego against exercise that is not for the weak at center. Also, this practice is best done at least 4-half-dozen months into a men's groups existence every bit the men need previous context on each other.

The exercise goes similar this. I man sits in the hot seat (at a time), and the men facing him make full in the blank 'I believe in you as a man because…' or 'I don't believe in y'all as a homo because…'

The point isn't to be overly coddling, nor is it to exist overly savage. The point is to be honest.

Peradventure you believe in a man considering he is trustworthy and dependable, merely you practise non believe in him because you run into him as being scattered in his relationships with women. Whatever you encounter in him, proper noun it.

Every man in the grouping should do this procedure at to the lowest degree one time. Information technology is the ultimate mirroring exercise to have a dozen men reflect back to you lot where you lot are strong and where you lot are falling brusque. It is potent medicine.

How to wrap up your men's grouping coming together:

Since a lot tin can happen over the form of a men's group meeting (regardless of if the meeting is one 60 minutes, three hours, or more than) information technology is best to close out your meeting with a ritualized completion marking.

Again, find what works best for you and the other men.

You might make silent eye contact with each human being for 30 seconds each. Or circle up, put your hands together in the center, and say a word together. The details are upwardly to y'all.

Should Men Pay To Be In A Men's Group?

At that place is no singular answer to this question, and I accept seen all forms of different payment structures work for various men's groups.

I have seen men'south groups work well with no payment, low payment, and college payment. Personally, I believe that having some fiscal purchase-in is beneficial for men'southward group members because information technology raises the level of commitment. People value what they pay for, and if your men'southward group is 100% gratuitous, and then don't exist surprised if the men are flakier with their attendance than you'd like them to exist.

At this point in time in my life, I am committed to a weekly free group, a weekly group that has a low buy-in (roughly $10 per meeting), and a group that is approximately $3,000 annually. I too accept several close friends that are in a men's grouping that charges $36,000 annually. Then again, all structures can work, depending on the value that your group provides its members.

If your men's group does charge a nominal fee, where should the coin go?

It could go to the leaders/co-leaders. It could get to the head of the organisation (if you are a part of a network of men's groups). It could even go to funding a quarterly event where you buy pizza and beer for your group. Any your money does, make sure it's in line with your group's values.

Things That May Come up Up In Your Men'due south Group And How To Handle Them

A men'south group is a dynamic, living organism, and things are jump to pop up that will be a challenge to navigate.

In a men'south group, there are issues of leadership. Is in that location 1 leader? 2 co-leaders? Rotating leadership where everyone takes a turn, in a cyclical mode? Over again, this will always come down to private group dynamics. There is no one-size-fits-all rule for men'south group leadership. I have seen solo leader, duo-leader, and rotating leader all work for diverse men's groups.

What do you do when two or more members don't get along with each other or simply plain don't like each other? You remind them that the people who piss us off the most are often our greatest teachers, and then encourage them to each await at how they meet themselves as like to the person that have an consequence with.

What if a homo decides to leave the men'southward group but you feel that is actually merely leaving because he's agape of beingness truly known by others, and he's actually on the precipice of a significant breakthrough in his relationships with men? You tell him directly. Name the resistance that y'all see. He will either exist receptive to your feedback, or he won't be. Either manner, it is not your job to hold his paw. If he truly wants to go (even if you suspect that it is just his ego flaring up), then let him get. You lot can't strength willingness.

The male person ego tin can be absolutely savage when confronted, and a men'due south group is a confronting place past pattern. And then much will come up, and much will be resolved. What matters most when conflict arises is that you do the heavy lifting of getting to a identify of understanding, or if agreement isn't possible, then at least mutual respect.

In time, you and your men's grouping members will chisel away at each other and transform your previously unshaped blocks of marble into magnificent works of art.

The Modern Men's Group In A Nutshell

Again, a men's grouping is virtually men spending fourth dimension with each other, being known by each other, and growing in their respective lives together. Information technology is as elementary and as complicated as that.

Each men'south group is an appreciating nugget and will only improve with fourth dimension (so long every bit all members are willing to tell the full truth, and keep each other honest).

I wish y'all the all-time of luck in your journey, and if this commodity resonates with you lot, I encourage you to check out some of the boosted resources below.

Defended to your success,

Jordan

Ps. Here are some boosted resources, books, and links to men'southward group websites that you might valuable and/or relevant:

– five Ways To Help Reduce The Male Suicide Charge per unit

– Samurai Brotherhood (the men'south grouping community that I take been a role of for the last 4 years)

– Iron John past Robert Bly (a valuable book on masculine consciousness)

– No More Mr. Squeamish Guy past Dr. Robert Glover (book review)

– How I Healed My Relationship With Men

– How To Make Friends As An Adult (seven Steps)

Source: https://www.jordangrayconsulting.com/mens-group/

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